Concrete action

Oh dear, the hot little number with a dram of Glenrothes neat seems to have followed you out of the last conversation. Don’t panic, you’ve got this one covered.

“You know, it’s funny: some of the things we take most for granted are actually some of the most significant technological advances in human history. Take the concrete at which I was just poking fun…”

As it turns out, concrete is the most ubiquitous man made material on earth. More intriguing, perhaps, is that it was initially invented (at least for mainstream use) by the Romans and then lost for 1300 years during that rather dissapointing bit of history called the “Dark Ages,” along with the art of bathing, anatomically accurate art, and basic literacy.

Concrete and baths in one place?! The Baths of Caracalla show that the Romans could do pretty much anything they wanted

The root concept is quite simple: mix certain types of crushed rock with water, mix, and let set (a bit more complicated, sure, but let’s not get dragged in). The stuff the Romans built is actually as strong as modern concrete, which means that two thousand years from now, those banlieues could still be standing (oh wondrous testament to human ingenuity!). Now, back to the girl.

“…did you know that the Romans invented the stuff? Without it, it’s doubtful they could have built their aqueducts. Actually, the Pantheon in Rome – have you been? Beautiful city, isn’t it? The Pantheon remains the largest free standing, un-reinforced concrete dome in the world. In any case, how about another scotch?”

That, my good friend, was a well executed drop. Clearly, she’s entertained by your erudition and rapid wit. Now, if you can manage to keep yourself from tripping on the way to the bar, you are in rather good shape.

Damn you, Hannibal!

I’ve found myself in enough awkward situations over the years to enjoy the peculiar and seemingly endless silences that crop up when Desiree/Thomas/Joe/Rebecca turn to me, with a cocktail in hand and says: “Well, what do you think about the influence of elephants on the Roman populace at the time of Hannibal’s invasion?” Or, “Surely you don’t think that Corbusier made ugly buildings?!” Grasping about for anything that would fit the bill of conversationally witty or apropos, I often end up for settling with something that just doesn’t make me sound like an ass. Usually, “My, some weather we’ve been having” actually fits the bill quite nicely. But what about when you want something more?

Well, for those situations, I have my education to thank. Yes, Harvard, you may not have taught me much in the way of practical skills, but you gave me quite a lot of ammunition for cocktail parties. Whether the conversation ranges through 7th century Chinese art, or the broader strokes of quantum physics, I am generally covered. Of course, I have a few other sources of information, but, more of that later.

Artist's rendering of a Carthaginian war elephant

First question first: Hannibal - Carthaginian general who invaded Italy during the Second Punic War (3rd century BC, that’s before Christ, if you happen to be talking to those as don’t care for such religiously tinged chronologies, we can go with 3rd century BCE, or before the common era, which is still defined by the birth of Jesus, but you gotta work with what you got). In any case, Hannibal actually marched war elephants over the Pyrenees mountains and led them into northern Italy (after consolidating his father’s gains on the Iberian peninsula). Now, I’d imagine that Roman citizens, tending to their fields and discovering the presences of tens of thousands of enemy soldiers would have messed their pants regardless of the presence of elephants, which most of them had never seen. However, when the Roman legions met Hannibal’s forces in battle, it doesn’t seem not too likely that the elephants sent them running off and praying to Jupiter (remember, this is Rome, so we have Jupiter, not Zeus). Have you seen Return of the King? The bit where the Rohirrim (that would be the cavalry of Rohan) clear the orc armies in the Battle of the Pellenor Fields only to find themselves facing a charge of the oliphants? To be fair, it probably wasn’t quite like that. For one thing, Hannibal’s elephants were nowhere near that big. For another, he didn’t have all that many.

An Oliphant, for comparison purposes

So you can tell Muffy, or whoever happens to ask the question: “Well, I rather think the Roman soldiers were a bit scared of the elephants, but, really, Hannibal’s victories over the Roman legions had more to do with his superior tactics than with however many elephants he actually managed to bring over the mountains. Really, I think the more interesting topic, is how similar the endgame of the Second Punic War (between Scipio Africanus and Hannibal) is to the end of Rommel’s Africa campaign as Patton (huge fan of the classics) and Montgomery defeated Nazi Germany’s Africa Corps – Patton having studied Rommel’s tactics…much as Scipio studied Hannibal’s.”

Then, you should calmly take a sip of your gin and tonic and wink at the attractive young lady to your left. After all, why drop Patton, Monty, Rommel, Hannibal, and Scipio into a line if you’re not trying to impress someone.